Wednesday, April 8, 2009

How To Get Bucked Off A Horse With Style

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1) Make sure that someone is watching. Why get bucked off is there is no one around to watch. This way, you will have provided comic relief for the day. Making someone laugh brings joy into their life. Besides if you have witnesses they will do a better job of telling the story later than you will.

2) Make sure that included in the group is
a) Someone you want to impress
b) Someone who you do not like and you do not want to give them something to talk about
c) Someone you are interested in who likes you
d) Your best friend who will fall over laughing and is sure to make the appropriate comments to make everyone laugh.
e) If you have children or grandchildren make sure they are present so that they can tell the story when the adults think it is not the appropriate time. The children or grandchildren will be able to tell the story and lighten the mood at things such as funerals, hospitals, their school, when you see someone you haven’t seen in years and other inappropriate times. Also having children present helps the story spread faster.

3) When you get bucked off do a good job of it. Don’t just kind of fall off the side of the horse but make a show of it. Here is you chance to give people a memory that they won’t forget, so seize the moment. If you can talk the horse into falling over the top of you without hurting you that might work and really looks spectacular.Remember if the people watching have been around horses before you have to out do what they have seen before. You want to achieve the greatness that when stories about buck offs are told your story is not the first one told but is the, "That is nothing you should have see the time", story.

4) As an added element you can grab for something to hold on to and miss it. Very Important,do not stay on the horse after the first good buck. If you ride the horse while it bucks you take away from the story of what happened.

5) Wear your best clothing. Do not do this with work clothes on if you want it to be remembered. Wear that new hat for the horse to step on. Be sure and wear you favorite shirt or blouse so it will get torn. Don’t forget your best pants so that you can get a stain that won’t come out. (See Step 11 For Stain)

6) Make sure you have a horse that can buck. Riding a horse that as a young colt dreamed of making the National Rodeo Championships as a
bucking horse will help. Not one that just crow hops but one that can put his head down and reach between his legs and grab his tail as he is going up and then does a fast 360 spin before he hits the ground would be nice. A spin helps your hang time. (See Step 10)

7) Make sure that everyone is watching. Someone popping a balloon, a car backfiring, two cats fighting under the hoofs of your horse are ideas that will help them to turn so that they do not miss anything and can so that they can describe it in detail later. Be creative on ideas to get their attention.

8) Make sure that no expects the horse to buck. Your horse should have been behaving and working nicely so no one is expecting it to buck. The more relaxed the horse seems to be before this happens the longer it will be remembered. If it is expected then the time they will spend retelling the story will be drastically reduced.

9) When the horse makes the first buck trying to set a new high jump record for horses be sure to let out the loudest scream possible. Scream like a very hairy man getting his private parts waxed. That will get their attention. When the neighbors two miles away come to see what is wrong then you know you did it right!

10) When flying through the air be sure and try to achieve the best hang time. The longer time you are the air with your arms and legs moving as fast as possible the more this will be remembered and the longer you best friend will tell the story. Here is where you get to shine and build lasting memories for your audience so fly like a bird, move your arms and legs and scream as loud as possible.

11) Now as in any Olympic gymnastic sports the landing is important.

a) Pick your landing spot carefully.
b) On your way down if you take a quick second to notice where you are landing it will improve the time that people will remember and talk about you getting bucked off.
c) Since you have your best pants and shirt on if you can land on that spot
where your horse relieved himself just minutes ago it helps.
d) If the horse manure is cool and the pile is steaming this also helps them
remember your performance.
e) When you land try to land on the nice steaming pile of horse manure on your back with a dull thud. The sound from the dull thud landing carries further and will not break the laughing like landing with the sound of a popping melon.
f) When you land on the steaming pile try to land on the small of your back
so it gets on and stains both the pants and shirt/blouse.
g) When your best friends pace off the distance the manure squirted out from under you, landing on your back on the pile will help you achieve a longer distance for everyone to remember.

12) In the last second of the performance if you feel that you did not do your best during the buck off and need a spectacular landing to really make wonderful memories for your audience pull the face first into the manure landing which is guaranteed to please your audience>. Not only is it an audience pleaser but it also adds a certain element when the person you are interested in, that is watching, finally decides to kiss you and as the magic moment draws closer for the locking of lips they get a mental image of the landing and where you face was. Wonderful stuff.

13) Now last but not least is the grand finale. As you are laying on the ground with multiple scraps, bruises and other injuries raise whichever arm will move wave your hand, say, “I’m okay”, and ask someone to check the horse.

Done right the story will be retold the rest of your life and on into the next generation. It will be remembered as the buck off of all buck offs and will be your 15 seconds of fame.


Deanna Castro said...

Really cute post! My best and only really good buck off, no one saw :( But I did flip through the air, somersault get up to my feet without missing a beat and then ran and grabbed my horse.

Internet Strategist said...

I have some horses that could make anyone look good getting bucked off. Perhaps I should have found a rodeo for them instead of planning to race them. Now they just graze and look pretty most of the time.

My friend rescues horses faster than we can find homes for them. If anyone ever wants to provide a home for a really cute horse for very little money just come by my blog and let me know. You can reach me at Twitter as @GrowMap

Anonymous said...

This was hilarious. LOVE IT! What part of the country are you in?

Bo Tipton said...

Hello Anonymous

I live in Kentucky now but I grew up in a small town in far West Texas. Lived in West Texas and Southeastern New Mexico most of my life.


Anonymous said...

Fun reading tonight as I lay here with muscles aching and pride shot to *&%#. Today my mare bucked me off at a show....big audience and even a video tape to provide slow-motion replay over and over again. I'm sure THIS story will be told for years to come.