Thursday, May 21, 2009

Perfect Gift For Your Wife


Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing the intended victim adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor..

A three second burst would be considered conservative?


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!


amymwright said...

That is hilarious. Thanks for sharing! (So we can learn from your mistakes) Now I'm triply glad I didn't try mine when I was tempted. Of course, mine was on loan, and I don't have it any more, but good to know they're still out there if I need one.

Bo Tipton said...

This wasn't my mistake it was someone else's mistake. It is not something I would have ever mentioned if I had done it especially not to my wife.


Rich Morris said...

That's priceless. About 12 years ago I had a good friend of mine move out to Eureka for a change and get away from his ex. I got him a graveyard shift at a Exxon Mini Mart. A Police officer regular of his came in one night with a new tazer gun and Little Joe not being real bright as a former alcoholic that destroyed all of his good brain cells made the comment to the guy that those things don't really work it's all scare tactics. Then he dared the officer to shock him. The officer didn't want to do it and so every time he came in Little Joe would egg him on about how he wouldn't shoot him with the tazer because he knew it didn't work. Well one morning he came in a shift change and the Manager was there and Little started razzing him again. The officer told him that the only reason he hadn't tazered him before was because he was alone and that he wouldn't be able to keep working. Since his Manager there he would be happy to demonstrate it on him. Well I had just pulled up to pick him up and take him home and go to my day job when Little Joe, The Manager and the officer came outside. I asked what was going on and he told me and told how stupid he was and he better call it off. But his mouth got the best of him and next thing you know Little Joe had a probe sticking in him and was flopping around like a dead fish with a lot what you had described. I got the pleasure of removing the probe in his left leg as he screamed in pain. He had lost all bodily function and had done both 1 & 2. I made him ride in the back of my truck and dropped him off at home while I went to work. When I got home 9 hours later he was still shaking and couldn't eat. It took a few days before he was back to normal and every time I looked at him I would burst out laughing and he would get upset all over again.

I figured it taught him a life lesson to keep his mouth shut but just a couple weeks later he decided to make the same comment to the same officer about pepper spray. You can imagine what happened.

To Our Success

Rich Morris

Bo Tipton said...

Thanks for the laugh again. Anyone that has seen this happen knows it is not a good thing. When I was in law enforcement it was the last thing we did. I was always in rural areas and you had to haul them back to town with shall we say a ripe order from the bodily functions.