Perfect Gift For Your Wife

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing the intended victim adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION !!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor..

A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

Sacred Ceremonies

Elder's Meditation of the Day - May 20

"...the sacred ceremonies given to us by the Creator are the Heart of our existence. These ceremonies are our first duty."
--Traditional Circle of Elders. NORTHERN CHEYENNE

Hidden in the ceremonies are many truths, many principles, many guidelines for living— our access to the Unseen World, healing and visions. Because the Indian People didn't have schools or books, the Great Spirit gave us Ceremonies. The ceremonies are handed down from generation to generation to learn their meaning. Today, many Indian People live in cities or urban areas where it's hard to learn the ceremonies. We need to go to the Elders and learn the ceremonies so we can pass them on to our children.

Great Spirit, teach me the Secrets of the Ceremonies.

These Daily Meditations come from Whitebison.org
to subscribe to them go to
http://www.whitebison.org/meditation/index.php

Change Is It A Good Thing?

Elder's Meditation of the Day - May 17

"If the Great Spirit wanted men to stay in one place He would make the world stand still; but He made it to always change..."
--Chief Flying Hawk, OGLALA SIOUX

The Elders tell us change occurs in two directions. They say, "That which is built is constantly being destroyed; that which is loose is being used to build the new." In other words, change is constantly going on. Many times we hear people say, "I hate change." Does it make sense that the Great Spirit would design people to hate it? The Great Spirit designed people with change abilities such as visioning, imagery and imagination. Maybe we need to learn to use these tools and then we'll look forward to change.

Great Spirit, today, let me see the harmony of Yours, truly changing world

These Daily Meditations come from Whitebison.org to subscribe to them go to
http://www.whitebison.org/meditation/index.php

Kids In Church

This has been going around in emails and I am sure some of you have see it already. It still puts a smile on my face and I thought some of you could use a smile today so here it is.

3-year-old Reese :?
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,?
Harold is His name.?
Amen.'?
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A little boy was overheard praying:?
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.?
I'm having a real good time like I am.'?
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After the christening of his baby brother in church,?
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.?
His father asked him three times what was wrong.?
Finally, the boy replied,?
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,?
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'?
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One particular four-year-old prayed,?
'And forgive us our trash baskets?
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets...'?
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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they?
were on the way to church service,?
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'?
One bright little girl replied,?
'Because people are sleeping.'?
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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3..?
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.?
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.?
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,?
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'?
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,?
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'?
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A father was at the beach with his children?
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,?
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore?
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.?
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.?
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.?
The boy thought a moment and then said,?
'Did God throw him back down?'?
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A wife invited some people to dinner.?
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,?
'Would you like to say the blessing?'?
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.?
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.?
The daughter bowed her head and said,?
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'?
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